Ways to handle break ups: a historical perspective

1. Purge and eat healthy and feel really wholesome and glowy and great

2. Cry intermittently at work, scowl at everyone who smiles at you on the subway, sleep as much as possible, completely quit eating

3. Become a melancholy but incredibly empathetic, new-age-hokey kind of listener-person, who really cares about other's pain and doesn't even charge $150 an hour

4. Binge eat

5. Binge shop

6. Binge exercise

7. Cut your hair really short with nail scissors

8. Stay home as much as possible, varying between the cocoons of couch and bed, watching TV on the internet, reading books, ignoring your phone and friends' attempts at socialization, baking and isolating in the coziest of ways

9. Google phrases like "how to break up with someone you still love" and "months to years ratio, how long to get over a breakup," and look up all the therapists in the area and weigh them against each other for hours, knowing you will never go to any of them because you can't afford therapy

10. Invest lots of time in planning vacations you'll never take